DECIPHERING THE INDIAN MALE

A unique roundtable discusses the hypocricy behind gender stereotypes in the Indian society. Excerpts from India Today's S.S. Jeevan.

Adithya, 32, is an established actor in Tamil and Malayalam films. S Anwar, 41, is a documentary filmmaker. Vikram Chaudhary, 26, is a student at the Asian College of Journalism, and Prathap Kumar, 21, and Ignacy Arockiyaa, 27, are students at Loyola College. They got together in Chennai recently to decipher the Indian male. Excerpts from the discussion:

How would you define the Indian male?
Adithya: I disagree with the idea of trying to pin down the Indian male to a single entity. The Indian male is going through a sort of a metamorphosis. You have different types of men: those trying to follow the old rules of grandparents, which are common in rural areas, and then you find a completely different bunch of males who live in cities. These people have had more education, have traveled abroad and have greater exposure. I define myself as one who is stuck in this metamorphosis. As far as thinking is concerned, these people are neither with the old generation, nor are they into the next generation, like how people in the US are. But the aspirations are like how people are in the West – they need a car, house, want to travel, have good wine, food etc.
Vikram: Due to the resurgence in Indian society in the past few years, the growth of the younger generation (between the ages of 20-30) is at a much faster pace than what it was in the 1980s or even earlier. This has brought about an attitude changes in the mindset. The changing environments are affecting his personality, and not necessarily in the wrong sense.
Anwar: I agree with Adithya that we can't generalize. India is a land of diversity and attitudes will differ from place to place and even within communities.
Ignacy: The Indian male in cities is well tuned towards Western sensibilities. In today's fast-paced life, they tend to kill themselves to achieve something. There is a sort of challenge in which each one is trying to prove himself. The society is growing fast. I also feel that there is a growing tendency for people to go back to their roots and discover their heritage.
Prathap: I hail from a village in rural Tamil Nadu. I find that there is little difference between a literate and an illiterate person.
Today, people might be earning more but I don't think they are behaving responsibly.

Do you believe that men are being forced to make room for women as compared to the past?
Anwar: Women have acquired more economical freedom today. Girls have become more assertive, and when they have economic freedom, they will not take things lying down. Also, tolerance levels have come down because of economic freedom. Because of which the Indian male is no longer able to call the shots at home anymore. The power is slowly shifting, and it is moving towards the women.
Adithya: In most rural households, the wife looks after the house, but she doesn't have a say at home. I have many friends who brag about their hegemony at home. Then you have the educated urban male, who aspires for a wife who is educated; can accompany him for a party; can be seen at a disco; and, can still look good. And this is where the conflict begins for the Indian male.
Because you want the old system to continue, because some of your friends might be following it, but at the same time, you want to be more modern. However, the urban male is no longer calling the shots. They can't. Things have changed. What Anwar said is right, because if we look at history, when women have had more rights, they are no longer dependent. If we look back in history, women in India had more rights than the man. Today they are financially competent and have more say. Even children are no longer an issue for women to save their marriage.
Vikram: The Indian male is confused. A friend of mine who was working in the software industry wanted to get married to a girl equal to him.
But once he got what he wanted, the problems began. The wife started earning more than him and that hurt his ego. Then he got to know about the wife's previous relationship. That kept playing on his mind and he went crazy.

So is virginity an issue with the Indian male?
Ignacy: The idea of chastity or purity exists everywhere. It is male chauvinism that cannot be changed. Personally, I have no problem. But when you consider family and comments from friends, I might say no. So there is a dilemma.
Adithya: There are lots of men who don't really care. I know from my experience that there are men who might just get married and take the girl to a different place and settle down. They might cut off old friends. Virgins are extinct, as far as I am concerned.
Vikram: The only thing that should affect the couple is whether they are possessive about each other and are in love. The problem comes when the girl confides in her husband after marriage. Even if the man accepts it, there might be a lurking feeling about it.
Ignacy: I have apprehensions that virgins are extinct.
Vikram: "Bus mohabbat honi chaiye" is how I would counter chastity.
Adithya: From my experiences in Dubai where I grew up, I learnt that a repressed society throws up more chances for incestuous relationships.
There is less morality in a repressive society. And the fact that you are forbidden to do something makes it all the more exciting.

So does this argument hold true for rural areas?
Adithya: In rural areas, parents still control their children's way of life. They take pride that they don't let their daughters go astray.
They keep a tight leash. But having said this, your own survey showed last time that lots of girls below the age of 16 had had a sexual experience. But this may not be true for urban areas. This shows that repressive societies actually force people to find ways to express themselves.
Vikram: I have seen this in rural Punjab, where I come from.
Promiscuous behavior is rampant. So if a relationship lasts for one year in urban areas, it lasts for just three months in the rural.

What about paid-sex?
Adithya: Paid sex is falling out of fashion. Internet has mellowed down the Indian male tremendously. You don't have to pay for a visual treat of a nude woman.
Vikram: I went to a red light area in Delhi called G B Road. It was nothing more than a desire to know the place. I also feel that this is not happening as much because of fear of disease and access to other avenues.
Ignacy: I too went to a place in Pune meant for sex workers. It was out of curiosity and when we were confronted by the girls, we just ran away. Because it was very difficult for me to reconcile since I am a devout Catholic.

How do you look at alternative sexuality?
Anwar: Even today, nobody can come out and say confidently that "I am a gay".
Adithya: A lot of people are still unaware of homosexuality; but in this information age, more people are getting to know of it and more people are willing to experiment. If you go to a chat room for instance, there are separate enclosures for gay people.
Anwar: It has been there in our ancient texts. It has been part of our tradition. It is just that we don't talk about it today.
Adithya: In Chennai, for example, it is dangerous to openly profess that you are a homosexual; people might ridicule you or worse, they might target you. In Calicut, gay relationships are common. But in Chennai if they come out, they will get hit. There is also fear of hate attacks.
Vikram: It is true. A group of friends once came across gays in Connaught Place. When one of them made a pass at us, my friends – who were from small towns, wanted to get out of the car and hit them.
Ignacy: It happens everywhere. I was shocked when a group of gays confronted me in a public toilet in a small town like Tiruchi.

But would you accept gay relationships?
Adithya: I may be homophobic, but I will not harm anyone. I would say that it should be legalised.
Anwar: I am against the Western model for "acceptance" for something.
The Western model for persecution does not exist here. It is not a disease, just a habit.
Ignacy: I won't say no, and I won't say yes.
Vikram: The Indian male is accepting everything
Adithya: The Indian male has not choice.

Is it dangerous to voice opinions on sex today?
Anwar: The Khusboo episode was politically motivated. I think everybody is aware of the facts and everyone agrees with her. The same things have been said by so many people, but nobody attacked them.
They attacked her because she was someone who was well known; and they wanted it to make her an example. In a democracy we have the right to speak about what we want.
Adithya: A lot of our ideas about morality has been thrust on us.
There are some people who want to dictate what is right and what is wrong. Some people want to define culture. Nobody can. There will be a Sushma Swaraj who will say you cannot have the model's skirt becoming shorter when half of Bastar is walking with little or no clothes. This country is not singular. There are too many cultures here. What she thinks is her culture today, was not culture 200 years ago. If you go to Kerala, it is in our culture to wear a blouse today. But 200 years ago, women did not wear a blouse. So what is culture? And who defines it?

(India Today, November 13, 2006)